Running up that hill
by Stanxx
Summary: Brendan's POV. Contains the lyrics to Placebo's song 'Running up that hill'. Rated 'M' for future chapters.


_**Author's Note: Fiction for 'O'Im Only Joking'. Contains [so far] the first verse of Placebo's song 'Running up that hill'. Hope you and everybody else enjoys reading it.**_

Brendan Brady's POV

** It doesn't hurt me.** No, I wont let it. I can't let it. He'll come back! Anyway I have other things to worry about like what the hell Peter's back for. I thought I'd sorted him out once and for all. I knew it was a bad idea to tell him about Anthony back in Ireland, I didn't even like him that much... That was the first and will be the last time I'll ever let my guard down!

Note to self: Never get fuck drunk around Stephen, ye never know what kind of stupid things might come out of yer mouth...

_Not that ye have something stupid to say to him, something a bloke shouldn't tell an other fella is there Brady?_ No, don't think like that! Of course ye have nothing to say... It's not like **you** **wanna** **fell** like that is it? No, so stop it!

_ But_ _**how**__ do ye truly want __**it**__ to __**feel**__(__**s**__)__ like then Brendan__**?**_Weren't ye the one who was convincing yerself to run away wit him just two days ago...

Shit, who am I kidding? I want him more than anything and whatever Brendan wants Brendan gets, even if it means pretending **you** love him. But believe me, I really don't **wanna** lie to him. That's not why I'm doing this, I'm doing it so he understands that we don't need those three words to be happy. Because who really **know**s what love is? A word that's pined to a feeling of want. And there's no doubt in my mind that we want each other. Or is that lust? Maybe love is the knowledge that you'd kill for them. Ha! Well if it is that then I know more than anyone that I love him. Aghhh **,** no you queer. Don't say that!

Why can't I just accept that he doesn't want me anymore? It's my own fault as well; I shouldn't have hit him. I **know** how he fells so why did I hit him? What did I think? That **it doesn't hurt** him? Did I think the same when I beat the rest of them? Yes I did, but it's not the same with Stephen. With the others I never really gave it a second thought, just thought I couldn't hurt them as much as I was hurting, but with Stephen I couldn't get my mind off it, the blood the bruises. Whenever he got a slap from me I suddenly wished I hadn't done it, prayed that it didn't hurt him and willed him to forgive **me**. It's not normal, we're blokes, we shouldn't feel sorry for what we do to each other.

This is getting so bad that I've actually come to an agreement with myself. **You wanna hear about the deal I'm making?** Well here goes nothing; I'm leaving Hollyoaks without Stevie boy, and I'm not speaking about for a week or two like I did over Christmas, I'm talking permanent like for ever.

It's not rocket science. I just pack up, say bye to Cheryl and leave. Go back to Ireland to see the kids for a bit, then maybe I'll travel, go to France; I've always loved Paris... Don't get me wrong, I'll miss Cheryl like shit and it will physically hurt me not being around Stephen but at the end of the day it would be exactly the same if I stayed around. It would just ache more seeing Stephen get over me. **You** might **be** thinking that I'm **running** away from it all but this is what Brendan Brady does. He's not the guy you think he is. He runs away as soon as his past catches up with him. It's an **uphill** effort trying to leave it behind, leave _him_ behind.

No one seems to know my struggle. It feels as if I'm gonna explode if I don't let it out, so people, the moment you've all been waiting for; I _do_ love him, he really _has_ got into my head, my heart and between **you and me I wish I could be running up that hill** with Stephen, _my_ Stephen.

_**Author's note: I know it's rather short and not very well written but I wanted to finish this chapter off as quickly as possible but don't worry I'll finish the rest of the song it the following chapters! :] **_

_**Please review, even if it's to criticize it because all comments help!**_

_**Thank you all for reading - StanXx**_


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